Opposites

They are yin and yang

One is tall and dark

The other is fierce and bright

The two are polar opposites and yet I want them both

My future, my heart belongs to one

But the other holds my mind and desire in his palm

One knows me because of time together

The other speaks to my soul without even knowing it

I love both for different reasons

They speak to my heart on different levels

One is silent and compatible

The other is confrontational and questioning

One knows I exist while the other has no clue

I hold one's heart, but want the heart of the other

I know the darkness owns me

But I want a taste of light before I succumb to shadow

Lost in Thought.

Much has happened in the last few weeks and the stress of life is getting to me. I find myself dealing with a lot of issues that I really don't feel like sharing with the world, and yet I am so lost on them. I am not proud of my thoughts. I am not proud of my intentions. There is a fork in the road that I never knew was there before and now it has me asking questions that I really don't like the answers to. My only therapy right now appears to be painting and writing because I cannot voice my thoughts aloud without people getting angry with me... My tattoo has never made more sense to me than right now... "The course of true love never did run smooth"... no it doesn't and maybe I am scared or maybe I have discovered another option... Or maybe I am completely delusional and am making things up in my head. Should I follow the path that I know will lead me to happiness or the path with a giant question mark? It seems obvious that I should want happiness, so then why am I leaning toward the question mark? I toss and turn in bed wondering on the IFs of life. I was thinking on my childhood earlier today and missing how simple life was back then. I miss being able to play games for fun instead of the crazy mind games that people play with me these days. I think that it is almost time for me to go back home and try to refocus my life... This city life is slowly poisoning me, body and mind.

Abuse and Revenge

She sings
He dances
They talk
They make love

They love
They fight
He punches
She fights back

He wins
She's broken
They hate
She hides pain

They marry
They pretend
He screams
She takes aim.

Defiance

The rain falls
The birds sing
The wind blows
A gun fires

She catches the rain
She listens to the birds
She talks with the wind
She drops the gun

The rain washes away evidence
The birds are her only witnesses
The wind helps hide the sound of a shot
The gun sets her free from a desperate life.

Passion

It burns inside my body
It pools inside my stomach
The  need wraps itself around my heart
It mutes my tongue and takes my words

Butterflies dance inside my mind
Ideas take hold and push me forward
A drink in hand, I watch him
His words pierce all those around him

Little does he know what he is doing
My heart races with desire
The others around us notice nothing
Yet he stands there, defiant, weaving words of wonder

When he has finished I want to run to him
I crave his attention, his touch
But I stay back, apart from the others with drink in hand
As I listen to my hunger and try to stop myself

He notices me
Our eyes meet and he knows
A smile spread across his lips
He can see the hunger that burns in me

We leave together

Late Nights and Early Mornings

Tonight is going to be another night where I have trouble sleeping. I am a night owl by nature and find it incredibly hard to go to bed before 1am. However, I am forced into be an early bird who wakes up at 7am because of my responsibilities at work and school. So that leaves me only a few hours to sleep... which is usually restless and leaves me craving caffeine to stay awake in the morning. That being said, I feel like I am my most creative when I am laying awake staring at the ceiling and listening to my dogs snore beside me. I get this itch to write, to paint, to create. Its in these quiet moments, where roommates and responsibilities can be ignored, that I think about a lot of things, dream about a lot of things. Like my desperate need to believe in something spiritually, but my inability to let myself do so. Like whether or not my getting all of my father's genetic illnesses is because fate is playing a cruel trick on my parents because they never wanted a third child. Sometimes I lay here and think of how I am being pulled apart by two extremely different halves. I love some one, but find my eyes wandering elsewhere. I am extremely passionate but find myself smothering the fire inside me instead of letting it take over. I love drinking but know I shouldn't give in. I am a vegetarian that loves the smell of meat. My genetic disorders lead me to believe that we should be more generous to the sick out there when at the same time, if the sick had stopped breeding altogether than I wouldn't have the disease I have now; it would have just died out if not for the medications making these diseases merely bearable. I am stuck in a world of extremely passive compassion and extremely violent anger. And as I lay here, it dawns on me, that I enjoy letting my angry side take over. The rush is incredible, the fire behind that anger could burn buildings... And yet I know it is wrong so I find myself reining these emotions back in and becoming the passive compassionate person that everyone knows me to be. Its Freud's idea of the Super-ego, Ego, and Id at work in a battle over my unsatisfied soul. And sometimes I become afraid that if these two halves were to separate, who would win? Who would I really be? Just random thoughts on a random night...