Late Nights and Early Mornings

Tonight is going to be another night where I have trouble sleeping. I am a night owl by nature and find it incredibly hard to go to bed before 1am. However, I am forced into be an early bird who wakes up at 7am because of my responsibilities at work and school. So that leaves me only a few hours to sleep... which is usually restless and leaves me craving caffeine to stay awake in the morning. That being said, I feel like I am my most creative when I am laying awake staring at the ceiling and listening to my dogs snore beside me. I get this itch to write, to paint, to create. Its in these quiet moments, where roommates and responsibilities can be ignored, that I think about a lot of things, dream about a lot of things. Like my desperate need to believe in something spiritually, but my inability to let myself do so. Like whether or not my getting all of my father's genetic illnesses is because fate is playing a cruel trick on my parents because they never wanted a third child. Sometimes I lay here and think of how I am being pulled apart by two extremely different halves. I love some one, but find my eyes wandering elsewhere. I am extremely passionate but find myself smothering the fire inside me instead of letting it take over. I love drinking but know I shouldn't give in. I am a vegetarian that loves the smell of meat. My genetic disorders lead me to believe that we should be more generous to the sick out there when at the same time, if the sick had stopped breeding altogether than I wouldn't have the disease I have now; it would have just died out if not for the medications making these diseases merely bearable. I am stuck in a world of extremely passive compassion and extremely violent anger. And as I lay here, it dawns on me, that I enjoy letting my angry side take over. The rush is incredible, the fire behind that anger could burn buildings... And yet I know it is wrong so I find myself reining these emotions back in and becoming the passive compassionate person that everyone knows me to be. Its Freud's idea of the Super-ego, Ego, and Id at work in a battle over my unsatisfied soul. And sometimes I become afraid that if these two halves were to separate, who would win? Who would I really be? Just random thoughts on a random night...